Chapter 1: Of the Morning and the Evening

1:1 He that arriveth early gaineth the parking space of his choosing, yet he that stayeth late gaineth the praise of them that departed at the fifth hour. Choose thou thy currency wisely, for the wise know which ledger their overseer readeth.

1:2 The sluggard saith, “The commute was long, the child was sick, the alarm betrayed me.” Yet the wise maketh ready the night before, and his garments are chosen, and his lunch is packed, and he entereth with the calm of a man prepared.

1:3 In the morning hour, guard thy mouth. For the fool uttereth all his complaints before coffee, but the wise man taketh the first cup in silence and judgeth the day with patience.

1:4 The one who saith “this meeting should have been an email” hath spoken truth, yet he that saith it aloud in the meeting itself is a fool, and his wisdom shall be counted as insurrection.

1:5 The sluggard counteth the hours until the fifth day, and his eye is ever upon the clock. But the wise man looketh upon Friday afternoon as a trap, and he finisheth his week on Thursday eve, that he may enter the Sabbath with clean hands.

1:6 The alarm that is set in increments of five minutes betrays a man who feareth his own rising. Let him set it but once, and stand upon his feet like a man.

1:7 He that weareth the badge of another to enter the building is a thief of identity, yet if his own be forgotten, the guard shall show no mercy.

1:8 The coffee that is made weak is an abomination, and he that drinketh it shall be as one who drinketh water and calleth it wine.

1:9 Monday morning is a trial to the righteous and the wicked alike. Yet the sluggard counteth the days until Friday, and his burden is doubled by his own anticipation.

1:10 He that observeth the dress code on casual Friday is either new or fearful. The veteran weareth what he will, for his work speaketh for him.

1:11 The train that is delayed is a trial sent to test thee. Rage not against the transit authority, for they care not, and thy anger shall only sour thy own spirit.

1:12 He that bringeth his own mug to the meeting is either environmentally conscious or territorially insecure. The paper cup offendeth not, and requireth no washing.

1:13 The elevator that stoppeth at every floor is a picture of hell, and the man who presseth all buttons is a child in the body of an adult.

1:14 He that prepareth not his clothes the night before shall stand in the morning in his underwear, searching, and his peace shall be shattered.

1:15 The parking garage is a labyrinth, and he that forgetteth his level shall wander forty minutes. Write thou the level upon thy hand, and be saved.

Chapter 2: Of Speech, Silence, and the Written Word

2:1 He that replyeth to all when he is but one of fifty shall be cursed, and his name shall be spoken of with derision for three days.

2:2 A soft answer turneth away the wrath of the project manager, but grievous words stir up the spirit of HR. Let thy emails be seasoned with salt, and thy Slack messages with emoji, that the tone of them may not be misread.

2:3 Blessed is the man that replyeth not to all when he is bcc’d, for he shall preserve his honor and the inboxes of the multitude.

2:4 The CC field is a sword. He that CCeth the overseer of his neighbor seeketh not to inform, but to destroy. Wield it not in anger, lest it be turned upon thee.

2:5 He that saith “per my last email” hath already lost the battle. Sharpen thy patience upon the stone of repetition, for the fool must hear a thing seven times before it sinketh in.

2:6 The man that saith “looping in” addeth bodies to the thread but not wisdom to the discourse. The multitude of the looped-in shall read nothing, and the original question shall be buried.

2:7 In the presence of the lord, let thy words be few. A fool’s voice is known by multitude of words, but the wise man noddeth thoughtfully and speaketh only when the silence hath grown pregnant.

2:8 He that is bcc’d upon a thread and then replyeth is a fool, for he hath revealed the secret of his hidden inclusion.

2:9 The ‘reply all’ that saith ‘thanks’ to an announcement of a funeral is not courtesy but a plague, and the sender knoweth not why he is vexed.

2:10 Beware the email that beginneth “quick question,” for it concealeth a dragon of complexity, and the answer thereof shall require three meetings and a working group.

2:11 He that putteth ‘urgent’ in the subject line but not in the body is like a man who knocketh loudly and hath nothing to say.

2:12 He that sendeth an email in anger and then recall it hath already lost, for the recall never worketh, and the recipient shall read it twice.

2:13 The distribution list that is outdated and sendeth emails to the departed is a ghost in the machine, and the replies of ‘I no longer work here’ are its haunting.

2:14 The voicemail is a relic of a bygone age, and he that leaveth one expecteth not a return, but only to say he tried.

2:15 He that is asked to ‘keep me in the loop’ and then complaineth of too many emails is a man who wanted not the loop but only the illusion of control.

2:16 Blessed is the man that readeth his email before he replyeth, for many a fool hath answered the wrong thread and exposed his ignorance.

2:17 The email that is forwarded with ‘see below’ and no context is a riddle, and the recipient is not Oedipus and shall not solve it.

2:18 He that signeth his emails with a quote from Gandhi or Steve Jobs thinketh himself deep, yet his wisdom is as a puddle in the rain.

2:19 He that useth ‘to clarify’ at the start of his email is about to contradict what was previously agreed, and the clarifier is the new negotiator.

2:20 The read receipt is a snare of the insecure. He that demandeth it trusteth not his own words, and the receiver shall be vexed.

2:21 The ‘friendly reminder’ is neither friendly nor a reminder but a threat wrapped in the language of a neighbor borrowing sugar.

2:22 He that useth all caps in any correspondence is either elderly or enraged, and in either case he is to be pitied, not answered in kind.

2:23 He that sendeth an email at eleven at night and expecteth a reply by morning is either mad or a manager, and the distinction is fine.

2:24 The delayed send is the friend of the drunk and the impulsive. Write thy rage at midnight, but let it fly at dawn, and thou mayest yet be wise.

2:25 The signature block that changeth with every promotion is a record of ambition, and the man who looketh back upon old emails seeth his own ascent.

2:26 He that saith ‘just following up’ on the third day is not following up but hunting, and the prey knoweth it well.

2:27 The email chain that exceedeth twenty replies hath become a creature with no master, and the original question is lost as the scroll of generations.

2:28 He that marketh his email ‘urgent’ when it is not shall be as the boy who cried wolf, and when true urgency cometh, none shall heed him.

Chapter 3: Of Tongues and Jargon

3:1 Woe unto them that say “synergy” when they mean “work together,” and “circle back” when they mean “avoid.” The Lord hath given thee plain speech; use it, and let not thy nouns become verbs in vain.

3:2 He that uttereth “let’s take this offline” desireth not efficiency, but only to silence the troublesome in public. Mark him well, for he is crafty.

3:3 He that saith “I don’t have the bandwidth” desireth not to speak of networks, but only to decline without refusing. The wise man discerneth the euphemism, and adjusteth his expectations accordingly.

3:4 He that saith ‘let’s socialize this’ desireth not friendship but only to spread blame among the many.

3:5 The ‘quick win’ is neither quick nor a win, but a phrase used to dress a small task in the robes of strategy.

3:6 Woe unto him that saith ‘low-hanging fruit,’ for the fruit that hangeth low is either rotten or already picked by another.

3:7 He that speaketh of ‘learnings’ instead of lessons hath spent too long in the company of consultants, and his speech is as milk diluted with water.

3:8 The phrase ‘moving the needle’ is used by them that know not where the needle resteth, nor what instrument measureth it.

3:9 He that calleth a problem a ‘challenge’ hath not removed the problem, but only put a mustache upon it and called it by another name.

3:10 ‘Rightsizing’ is the word of the coward, for he meaneth ‘firing’ but lacketh the spine to say it.

3:11 He that saith ‘I want to piggyback on that’ hath added nothing to the thought, but only wished to be seen as contributor.

3:12 The ‘deep dive’ is promised by many and delivered by few, and most divers return with sand and call it pearls.

3:13 He that calleth a meeting a ‘sync’ believeth that a new word maketh it shorter. It doth not.

Chapter 4: Of the Thermostat and the Commons

4:1 The thermostat is a stumbling-block to the righteous. He that turneth it up soweth discord, and he that turneth it down soweth discord likewise. There is no peace in the land of the shared climate.

4:2 He that leaveth the copy machine jammed and walketh away is an abomination, and his iniquity shall be visited upon the next generation of toner cartridges.

4:3 If thou takest the last cup from the coffee pot, thou art commanded to make another. This is the first and greatest commandment of the kitchenette. The second is like unto it: if thou finisheth the water cooler, thou shalt replace the jug. Upon these two commandments hang all the breakroom law.

4:4 He that entereth the elevator with the lord and presseth not the button promptly is a fool, and the silence between floors shall be unto him as the valley of the shadow of death.

4:5 He that taketh the last paper towel and replaceth not the roll is cursed in the eyes of the next washer, and there shall be no forgiveness.

4:6 The refrigerator that is cleaned on Friday afternoon revealeth the sins of the week: the forgotten yogurt, the moldy orange, the half sandwich of Tuesday.

4:7 He that labeleth his food with his name and the date is either wise or paranoid, and in the commons the difference is not discernible.

4:8 The hand sanitizer that runneth empty is a sign of the times, and he that refilleth it is a saint unrecognized.

4:9 He that speaketh on his phone in the restroom echoeth his private matters off the tiles, and all who enter shall know his business.

4:10 The sink that is left with dishes in the office kitchen is a testimony to the selfishness of man, and the sign that saith ‘your mother does not work here’ is ignored.

4:11 He that scattereth his papers upon the communal table and calleth it ‘spreading out’ is a thief of surface area, and his laptop cord is a trap for the unwary.

4:12 The whiteboard that is erased without photographing is a library burned, and the meeting that produced it is rendered as though it never was.

4:13 He that eateth loudly at his desk, smacking and slurping, is either raised in a barn or devoid of shame, and neither condition hath a cure.

4:14 The chair that squeaketh is not a chair but a public announcement of every movement, and he that sitteth in it shall have no privacy.

Chapter 5: Of Rank and Humility

5:1 The door of the director standeth open, yet he that entereth without knocking walketh upon coals. Open is an invitation to see, not an invitation to be seen.

5:2 He that parketh in the space of the vice president shall be moved, and his vehicle shall not know rest until the fifth reprimand.

5:3 Speak not to the Lord in the elevator unless he speaketh first. The wise man studieth the weather of power and carrieth his umbrella of discretion.

5:4 When the overseer saith “my door is always open,” he speaketh in parables. Count the cost before thou enterest, and bring a problem with a solution in thy hand, lest thou be numbered among the helpless.

5:5 At the feast of the winter solstice, let thy cup be temperate. For he that singeth upon the karaoke machine shall be remembered when promotions are weighed, and not in the manner he hopeth.

5:6 He that is invited to the lunch of the overseer is being weighed, and he knoweth not whether he is found wanting or worthy.

5:7 The business card that is offered in the elevator is a prayer thrown into the void, and ninety-nine of a hundred shall be discarded by the fifth floor.

5:8 He that forgetteth the name of the spouse of the director is not a sinner, but he that calleth her by the wrong name is undone.

5:9 The secretary knoweth where the bodies are buried, and he that is kind to her shall find doors opened that are shut to the proud.

5:10 He that is summoned to the office without explanation letteth his imagination run to the worst, and nine times of ten it is nothing.

5:11 The office of the vice president that hath a couch is an office of power, and the couch is for the weeping of the subordinate or the napping of the lord.

5:12 He that is ‘just checking in’ from the C-suite is not checking in but checking up, and the wise man prepareth a report before the knock.

5:13 The org chart is a map of a kingdom in flux, and he that studieth it too closely shall see his own box shrink between meetings.

5:14 He that is given a title with the word ‘senior’ in it but no raise hath been given a crown of tinsel, and his glory is hollow.

Chapter 6: Of the Fruits of Labor

6:1 The laborer is worthy of his hire, yet the laborer that speaketh not of his hire is worthy of remaining where he is. Ask, and it may be considered; ask not, and it shall surely not be given.

6:2 PTO is given to be used. He that hoardeth his days like a miser hoardeth gold shall find them taken in the year of restructuring. Take thy rest, and let the guilt thereof be cast into the sea.

6:3 The worker that answereth emails on the Sabbath multiplieth the expectation thereof. Restrain thy thumb, and let the inbox wait; for if thou respondeth at midnight, they shall know thou art available at midnight, and there shall be no end to it.

6:4 The bonus cometh not in the month it is promised, but in the month following, and the amount thereof is as a mystery. Rejoice not until the direct deposit hath cleared.

6:5 He that compareth his salary with another’s on the forbidden spreadsheet shall find either grief or false comfort, and neither profiteth his soul.

6:6 The certificate of completion for the online training is given for the clicking of buttons, not the learning of content, and the fool that boasteth of it boasteth of nothing.

6:7 He that arriveth at work on his day off to ‘catch up’ is not diligent but anxious, and his sacrifice shall be expected thereafter.

6:8 The overtime that is not requested is the overtime that is not paid, and he that volunteereth his evenings shall find them owned by another.

6:9 He that saith ‘that’s not in my job description’ hath spoken truth, yet the truth shall make him no friends in the season of need.

6:10 The stock option is a lottery ticket given in lieu of wages, and the wise man casheth what he can and feareth not the tax.

6:11 He that is promoted without a raise is not promoted but burdened, and his new title is but a larger yoke.

6:12 The company match for the retirement account is free money, and he that refuseth it is a fool who refuseth a gift because the box is heavy.

6:13 He that spendeth his raise before it is confirmed in writing buildeth a house upon sand, and the reorganization shall wash it away.

6:14 The expense that is denied for being ‘out of policy’ was never truly out of policy, but only inconvenient to the approver’s budget.

Chapter 7: Of Deceit and Truth

7:1 The resume is a work of fiction wherein the protagonist is always competent and the gaps are but sabbaticals of the soul. Read between the lines, and let him that is without exaggeration cast the first interview question.

7:2 When they ask how thou art doing, they desire not a catalog of thy ailments. Say “fine” or “busy” or “can’t complain,” and let the truth be between thee and thy journal.

7:3 The interviewee that saith “my greatest weakness is that I work too hard” hath revealed no weakness at all, and the interviewer that smirketh not at this hath already checked out mentally.

7:4 When the sluggard taketh a sick day, he posteth upon social media, and his iniquity is discovered. But the wise man stayeth off the internet, and his feigned cough is not questioned.

7:5 He that padeth his resume with ‘Proficient in Microsoft Office’ insulteth the reader, for who among the living is not proficient?

7:6 The reference that is listed without warning is a bridge prepared for burning, and he that is called shall speak as his conscience guideth him.

7:7 He that claimeth ‘expert’ in a skill he used once at a previous job shall be discovered in the first week, and his shame shall be public.

7:8 The cover letter that exceedeth one page is read by none, and the one that saith ‘to whom it may concern’ is cast into the abyss unread.

7:9 He that is asked ‘where do you see yourself in five years?’ and answereth truthfully (‘anywhere but here’) is honest but unemployed.

7:10 The LinkedIn endorsement from a stranger is as the gold of a counterfeit coin, and he that displayeth it showeth his own desperation.

7:11 He that arriveth at the interview with questions of his own is not demanding but engaged, and the interviewer shall remember him among the nodding masses.

7:12 The salary negotiation that is refused before it beginneth is a company that respecteth not its workers, and the wise man taketh this as a sign.

7:13 He that claimeth to have ‘managed’ a team when he merely emailed them is a liar, and the background check shall find him out.

7:14 The thank-you note after the interview is not courtesy but strategy, and he that sendeth it not is forgotten before the door closeth.

Chapter 8: Of Comings and Goings

8:1 Two weeks’ notice is given as a courtesy, not a law. Yet he that giveth less shall be remembered with bitterness, and his LinkedIn endorsement shall wither on the vine.

8:2 When a colleague departeth for a rival house, speak well of him at the farewell cake, for thy turn cometh also, and the bridges of employment are made to be crossed again.

8:3 The exit interview is a snare. Speak of growth opportunities and new challenges, and mention not the manager that drove thee to drink. The wise man leaveth as he arrived: with a smile and a lie upon his lips.

8:4 The new hire is a blank tablet, and the veteran shall write upon him what he will. Yet take heed, for the tablet may one day be thine overseer, and he shall remember the pranks of thy early days.

8:5 He that is laid off on a Friday afternoon is a victim not of the day’s work but of the accountant’s spreadsheet, and the timing is chosen that he may not poison the well.

8:6 The counteroffer from thy current employer, when thou threatenest to leave, is given to buy time to find thy replacement. Accept it not.

8:7 He that returneth to a former employer is not a prodigal but a pragmatist, yet let him remember why he left, for the reasons have not changed.

8:8 The gardening leave is a polite fiction wherein the departing are paid to stay away, and it is the most honest arrangement in all of employment.

8:9 He that is ‘let go’ in a group is comforted by numbers, yet the comfort is cold, for the mortgage feeleth not the fellowship of the laid-off.

8:10 The farewell email that is too long is read by few, and the one that is too short is judged as bitter. Three paragraphs is the measure.

8:11 He that stealeth company data upon his departure is a thief, and he that thinketh to do it undetected is a fool, for the logs remember all.

8:12 The going-away gift that is a framed photo of the team is a thing that shall gather dust, yet the cash collection is a blessing remembered.

8:13 He that is promoted to a level beyond his competence shall be removed within the year, for the Peter principle is not a suggestion but a law.

8:14 The sabbatical that is promised and then denied is a broken covenant, and the worker whose hope was raised shall not soon trust again.

Chapter 9: Of the Digital Image and the Chat

9:1 Thy status indicator is thine armor. Green is the color of availability, red the color of focus, yellow the color of maybe, and gray the color of the dead. Choose thy color according to thy need, and change it as the wind.

9:2 He that useth @here or @channel without the warrant of fire or flood is a terrorist, and his messages shall be muted by the righteous.

9:3 The wise man curateth his out-of-office reply with care, naming a substitute and a date of return. The fool saith only “I am away,” and the seeker of answers is left in outer darkness.

9:4 The thumbs-up emoji is the full stop of the modern age. He that demandeth a written reply to a simple request is a man out of step with the times.

9:5 In the video call, mute thyself when not speaking. The dog, the child, the doorbell, and the untimely flatulence—these are the four horsemen of unmuted shame.

9:6 The message that saith “got a minute?” and mentioneth not the topic is a serpent, and the minute shall become thirty.

9:7 Thy profile picture is thine face to the world. Let it not be of thy wedding, nor thy vacation, nor thy pet, but of thy face alone, looking competent and approachable. For the hiring manager scrolleth by, and he judgeth.

9:8 He that forgetteth to update his calendar before a call and double-booketh himself is a man divided, and neither meeting shall prosper.

9:9 He that claimeth “I have 999+ unread messages” boasteth not of busyness, but of poor stewardship; for the inbox is a garden, and it requireth tending.

9:10 The screen name that is a joke from college shall haunt the professional, and the wise man changeth it before the client seeth ‘xXDarkSlayerXx’.

9:11 He that sendeth a GIF in the company chat without knowing his audience is like a man who tosseth a firework into a crowd. Some will laugh; some will be burned.

9:12 He that marketh every message as unread to deal with later is a man who buildeth a dam against a river that will not stop rising.

9:13 The ‘sent from my iPhone’ signature is an apology in advance for typos and brevity, and the wise man leaveth it as his shield.

9:14 The status emoji that is a fire or a warning sign is a cry for help, and the colleagues who scroll past it are complicit in the burning.

9:15 He that readeth a message and replyeth not within the day is not busy but rude, and the sender shall count it as a slight.

9:16 He that is ‘typing’ for ten minutes and then sendeth ‘ok’ hath written a novel and deleted it, and the receiver shall never know the draft.

9:17 The shared drive that is organized by none is a wilderness, and the document that is sought therein is lost as a needle in a haystack of needles.

9:18 The channel that is created for a project and then abandoned is a ghost town, and the notifications from it are the wind blowing through empty streets.

9:19 He that forgetteth to log out of the conference room system leaveth his calendar open to the next, and his private appointments shall be read by strangers.

9:20 He that useth a reaction emoji instead of a reply is either efficient or dismissive, and the receiver must discern from context.

9:21 The notification that pingeth every minute is the drip of water upon the stone of thy sanity, and he that muteth not the channel is a masochist.

9:22 The ‘do not disturb’ status that is ignored by the urgent sender is a covenant broken, and the disturber is without honor.

9:23 He that useth the same password for work and personal accounts is a man with one key for all his locks, and the thief needeth only find one door.

9:24 He that pinnethevery announcement is a man who trusteth not the scroll, and the pinned items multiply until they are as ignored as the unpinned.

9:25 The video background that moveth—be it ocean or space—is a distraction, and the wise man standeth still before his audience.

9:26 The direct message that could have been a channel post is a whisper in a room designed for speaking, and the whisperer is either shy or scheming.

9:27 He that is the first to react with a gif to bad news is either callous or coping, and the line is thinner than he thinketh.

9:28 The integration that posteth every commit and ticket update to the channel is a flood of noise, and the workers mute it and miss the one important post.

Chapter 10: Of the Gathering and the Assembly

10:1 The meeting that hath no agenda is like a ship without a rudder, and all who enter therein shall be tossed upon the waves of digression until the hour be spent and no man knoweth why he came.

10:2 Beware the man who loveth the sound of his own voice in the conference room, for he shall multiply bullet points without number, and there shall be no quenching of his updates.

10:3 When the meeting endeth and no man knoweth what was decided, the organizer shall send the “recap,” and the wise man shall read it carefully, for therein lieth the true record, and not in the memory of any who attended.

10:4 He that arriveth to the meeting on time is late, for the room is already full, and he must stand at the back like a servant.

10:5 The meeting that is recorded ‘for those who couldn’t make it’ is watched by none, yet the recording justifieth the hour spent.

10:6 He that bringeth his laptop to the meeting and typest throughout is either indispensable or disrespectful, and the room knoweth not which.

10:7 The sidebar conversation in the meeting, conducted by whisper or by chat, is a rebellion in miniature, and the facilitator pretendeth not to see.

10:8 He that saith ‘let’s table this’ desireth not to table but to bury, and the tabled item shall rise again only at the audit.

10:9 The brainstorm that produceth a hundred ideas and actioneth none is a festival of noise, and the participants depart as empty as they came.

10:10 He that is called upon unexpectedly in the meeting and hath not been listening is exposed as a fool, and his mumble is his judgment.

10:11 The parking lot is a place where ideas are sent to die with dignity, and he that suggesteth ‘let’s put that in the parking lot’ is an angel of death.

10:12 He that speaketh in the meeting only to agree with the highest-ranking person present is a weather vane, and all can see which way he bloweth.

10:13 The stand-up that exceedeth fifteen minutes is a sit-down in disguise, and the agile coach that alloweth it hath fallen from grace.

Chapter 11: Of Bread and the Breakroom

11:1 Thou shalt not warm the fish in the microwave, saith the unwritten law, and he that doeth it shall be cursed in the nostrils of his neighbors. The memory of his trespass shall outlast his employment.

11:2 He that guardeth the midday meal guardeth his peace; let no meeting, nor sprint, nor cry of urgency defile it. Yet if bread be brought unto thee without price, and the fruit of another’s labor laid before thee freely, then yield the hour with gladness, and eat, and be filled; for a lunch provided is a blessing that the wise refuse not.

11:3 Woe unto him that eateth the lunch of another from the refrigerator of the commons! Though it be unmarked, though it resembleth the communal provisions, the owner shall surely seek vengeance, and there is no statute of limitations upon the crime.

11:4 When cake appeareth in the breakroom for a birthday thou didst not know, thou art bound by covenant to partake. Refuse not the dry sheet-cake, lest thou be counted among the joyless, and thy name spoken of in hushed tones.

11:5 The communal coffee fund is a test of character, and he that drinketh but never payeth is a parasite, and shall be known by his absence from the sign-up sheet.

11:6 He that bringeth leftovers from a fine restaurant and eateth them at his desk is either humble or showing off, and the office cannot decide which.

11:7 The snack drawer that is ‘for the whole team’ but locked is not a team snack drawer but a personal pantry, and the hypocrisy is smelled as far as the cheese.

11:8 He that offereth to ‘grab something for everyone’ on his coffee run is a saint for five minutes, but woe unto him if he forgetteth the oat milk.

11:9 The plastic utensils that are hoarded in desk drawers are a currency of the office, and he that possesseth the last fork is a king at the potluck.

11:10 He that microwaveeth popcorn in the shared kitchen is either brave or despised, for the smell lingereth like a judgment for three days.

11:11 The birthday card that is passed around for signatures is a ritual of obligation, and he that writeth only ‘Happy Birthday’ hath done his minimum.

11:12 He that bringeth homemade cookies is remembered fondly, but he that bringeth homemade kombucha is regarded with suspicion.

11:13 The water bottle that is left in the conference room is forfeit, and he that claimeth it the next day claimeth a vessel of another’s germs.

11:14 He that suggesteth a potluck and bringeth only napkins is not a participant but a freeloader, and his portion shall be the smallest.

Chapter 12: Of the Keepers of the Network

12:1 The IT department giveth and the IT department taketh away. Blessed be the name of the help desk. Turn thy computer off and on again before thou callest, lest the technician regard thee with contempt.

12:2 The fool useth “Password123” and his account is delivered into the hands of the spoiler. The wise man useth a phrase of many characters, yet he writeth it upon a sticky note affixed to his monitor, and his wisdom is as foolishness.

12:3 He that saith ‘have you tried turning it off and on again?’ is mocked, yet nine times in ten he speaketh truth, and the tenth time the machine is truly dead.

12:4 The software update that is postponed forever shall one day be forced, and the day shall be the busiest of the year, and the machine shall require three hours.

12:5 He that is his own IT department in a small company is a man of many hats, and none of them fit well.

12:6 The shared account password that is ‘Summer2023!’ is known to all and guessed by any hacker in the first try, yet changing it is a war of committees.

12:7 He that complaineth of the Wi-Fi speed while streaming video in 4K is the cause of his own suffering, and the IT man knoweth it.

12:8 The VPN that disconnecteth every twenty minutes is not a bug but a feature, designed to remind thee that thou art not truly free.

12:9 He that is given a new laptop but not the dongle for his monitor is a man with a chariot but no horses, and his productivity is stalled.

12:10 The backup that is promised but never tested is a promise made to fools, and the day of the crash shall reveal the emptiness of the cloud.

12:11 He that installeth software without approval from the keepers of the network is a rogue agent, and his machine shall be quarantined like a leper.

12:12 The two-factor authentication that sendeth the code to thy phone while thy phone is dead is a security that hath locked out its own master.

Chapter 13: Of the Dwelling and the Remote Place

13:1 He that worketh from home in his sweatpants boasteth not thereof on the video call, but keepeth the camera at the shoulders upward, and his shame is covered.

13:2 The remote worker that is “just stepping away” for forty minutes hath not stepped away, but hath gone to the grocery, or to the school, or to that which he will not name. Let no man ask, for all have done likewise.

13:3 He that useth the background of the tropical beach betrayeth himself, for his hair disappeareth and reappeareth, and the illusion is shattered. Better a plain wall than a vanishing chin.

13:4 He that forgetteth he is on camera and picketh his nose in the video call is a warning to all, and the screenshot shall be his legacy.

13:5 The pet that interrupteth the video call is forgiven, and the child is forgiven, but the spouse that walketh by in underwear is remembered.

13:6 He that worketh from a coffee shop and complaineth of the noise is like a swimmer who complaineth of the wet.

13:7 The notification sound that is the same as the notification sound of thy colleague is a confusion, and both shall check their screens in vain.

13:8 He that is ‘working remotely’ from a different time zone and never mentioneth it shall be expected at hours that are dark, and his secret shall be his burden.

13:9 The background noise cancellation that removeth the bark of the dog but not the cry of the baby is a technology incomplete, and the meeting suffereth.

13:10 He that taketh the call from his car is either important or avoiding something, and the engine noise betrayeth him either way.

13:11 The separate account for work and personal use is a wall that the wise man maintaineth, lest his tweet be mistaken for the company’s voice.

13:12 He that is unavailable on Slack for more than an hour in the remote day is assumed to be napping, whether he is or not.

13:13 The home office that is a closet or a corner of the kitchen is not an office but a fiction, and the wise man investeth in a door.

Chapter 14: Of the Accounting of Souls

14:1 The performance review is a season of dissembling. He that speaketh his true mind shall find his rating diminished, and he that smileth and noddeth shall be numbered among the satisfactory.

14:2 In the season of self-evaluation, speak not thy true faults, but speak of “areas for growth,” and let thy achievements be numbered as the sands of the sea. For the overseer hath not the time to read, but the quantity shall impress him.

14:3 He that is rated ‘meets expectations’ year after year is not meeting expectations but exceeding them reliably, and his reward is to be reliably forgotten.

14:4 The 360-degree review that is anonymous is a license for cowardice, and the compliments are faint while the criticisms are sharp.

14:5 He that is put upon a performance improvement plan is not being improved but being documented, and the wise man readeth the signs and departeth.

14:6 The peer review that saith ‘works well with others’ when the peer despiseth him is a lie told for peace, and the system knoweth it.

14:7 He that beggeth for feedback and then argueth with every point is a man who wanted not feedback but praise, and the giver shall not offer again.

14:8 The goal that is set at the beginning of the year and revisited only at the end is a goal written in sand, and the tide of daily work hath washed it away.

14:9 He that receiveth a rating without explanation is a student given a grade with no test returned, and he learneth nothing.

14:10 The calibration session where managers compare their reports is a poker game, and the cards are the lives of the laborers.

14:11 He that is ‘high potential’ but not promoted is being kept, not cultivated, like a fruit that is admired but never picked.

14:12 The stack ranking that forced comparison of the good with the good is a cruelty, and the company that useth it shall reap resentment.

Chapter 15: Of Feigned Fellowship

15:1 The trust fall is an abomination, and the ropes course is vanity. He that feigneth enthusiasm for the team-building exercise shall receive a gift card of small denomination, and his soul shall remain untouched.

15:2 Mandatory attendance at the gathering after hours is not a commandment, yet he that absenceth himself shall be judged as not a team player. Go thou, and stay one drink longer than the boss, but no more.

15:3 He that organizeth the potluck and assigneth categories is a tyrant, yet the potluck without categories is a table of six pasta salads and no dessert.

15:4 The volunteer committee for the holiday party is staffed by the same five people every year, and the rest pretendeth not to see the email.

15:5 He that winneth the raffle at the company picnic and feigneth surprise is either honest or a poor actor, and none care enough to discern.

15:6 The group photo that is taken at the retreat is viewed once and then buried in the shared drive, and the faces therein shall age while the file gathereth dust.

15:7 He that refuseth to participate in the charity run is not heartless but practical, for his knees are worth more than the t-shirt.

15:8 The matching t-shirts for the team-building day are worn exactly once, and then they become rags or guilt, depending on the character of the wearer.

15:9 He that is chosen to give the toast at the retirement party is either beloved or the only one who did not hide when the organizer looked around.

15:10 The employee of the month parking space is a throne of cardboard, and he that possesseth it for thirty days shall find it matters not on the thirty-first.

15:11 He that suggesteth ‘fun’ icebreakers at the start of every meeting is a sociopath, and the team endureth him because he is otherwise competent.

15:12 The baby shower for a colleague thou knowest not well is attended out of obligation, and thy gift card is the measure of thy indifference.

Chapter 16: Of the Urgent and the Important

16:1 The deadline that is “ASAP” is not a deadline at all, but a cry of the anxious. The wise man asketh “by what hour on what day,” and the requester shall either specify or be silent forevermore.

16:2 Beware the stakeholder that saith “while you’re at it,” for he addeth scope without adding days, and the project that was finite shall become a creature of many heads.

16:3 He that is asked to drop everything for a fire that is not a fire but a spark shall find that nothing was truly burning, and his own work is now ash.

16:4 The ‘urgent’ request that arriveth at four-thirty on a Friday is not urgent but poorly planned, and the sender’s lack of foresight becometh thy emergency.

16:5 He that cannot say no to any request shall find himself doing the work of three, and his own duties shall be remembered only when they fail.

16:6 The project that is ‘top priority’ this quarter and forgotten the next was never top priority but only top panic.

16:7 He that worketh fastest is given the most work, for the overseer learneth where the load is lightest and addeth there.

16:8 The deadline that moveth forward after thou hast sacrificed thy weekend to meet it is a cruelty, and the mover thereof is without honor.

16:9 He that is always ‘swamped’ and telleth everyone so is not busy but performing busyness, and the truly busy man hath no time to say it.

16:10 The request that is made verbally and denied in writing is a trap, and he that acteth upon it without written confirmation is a fool.

16:11 He that saith ‘this is a quick ask’ hath never himself done the asking, and the quick ask taketh three hours.

16:12 The fire drill that is called a fire drill but is actually a test of thy availability is a dishonesty, and the wise man smoketh out the real motive.

Chapter 17: Of the Desk, the Window, and the Dwelling

17:1 He that leaveth his desk in chaos saith, “I know where everything is,” yet when the overseer cometh, he is confounded. The tidy desk is the armor of the innocent.

17:2 The window seat is the throne of the office, and he that possesseth it shall not be moved save by death or promotion.

17:3 The nameplate upon thy desk is a boundary, and the pen upon thy desk is thine own. Yet he that leaveth a good pen upon the desk shall find it borrowed unto the ages.

17:4 He that is relocated without warning is shaken to his core, and he shall spend three days adjusting his monitor height and complaining.

17:5 He that leaveth food in his desk drawer and forgetteth it shall, upon discovery, find a science experiment, and the smell shall be his judgment.

17:6 The photograph of the family upon the desk is a shield against suspicion, for who would fire a man with such adorable children?

17:7 The open floor plan was sold as collaboration, yet it giveth only the flu and the ability to hear thy neighbor’s podcast.

17:8 He that is known by the cleanliness of his desk is either meticulous or recently moved, and time shall tell which.

17:9 The drawer that is locked concealeth not treasure but usually candy, and the candy is usually old.

17:10 He that is seated nearest the kitchen enjoyeth the smells but not the peace, and the trade is unequal.

17:11 He that personalize his cubicle with plants and lamps and a rug hath made a home in a house of cards, and the move cometh for all.

17:12 The corner office that is glass on all sides is a stage, and the occupant is an actor who must perform busyness at all times.

17:13 The spare phone charger that is kept in the desk is a lifeline, and he that borroweth it without returning is a thief of the lowest sort.

17:14 He that is moved to a desk facing the wall is either being punished or prepared for departure, and the distinction matters little to the moved.

17:15 He that eateth at his desk every day shall find crumbs in his keyboard and regret in his soul, for the noon hour was made for departure.

17:16 The hot-desking policy that is sold as flexibility is in truth a cost-cutting measure, and the worker without a permanent desk is a nomad in his own land.

17:17 The desk toy that is a fidget spinner or a Newton’s cradle is a cry for help, and the colleague that playeth with it during thy pitch is not listening.

17:18 He that decorateth his cubicle with plants and art is either building a home or preparing to stay forever, and the office manager feareth the latter.

17:19 He that keepeth a jacket on the back of his chair is either prepared for cold or pretending to have stepped away, and the office knoweth the difference.

17:20 The desk by the restroom is a curse, for every flush is heard, and every departure is noted, and privacy is a forgotten dream.

17:21 The Post-it notes that cover the monitor like scales are not organization but anxiety made visible, and the wise man useth a list.

17:22 He that is given a standing desk but no anti-fatigue mat is a man given a horse but no saddle, and his feet shall curse the gift.

17:23 The personal heater under the desk is a fire hazard and a necessity, and the safety officer and the cold worker are in eternal war.

17:24 He that is seated with his back to the aisle liveth in constant fear of the approach, and he startleth at every shadow.

17:25 The cubicle wall that is too low is no wall at all but a suggestion, and the worker behind it is exposed as a man in a bathtub without a curtain.

Chapter 18: Of the Inbox and the Flood

18:1 The inbox of the diligent overfloweth, and the inbox of the slothful overfloweth likewise. There is no escape; there is only the daily struggle against the flood.

18:2 He that subscribeth to every newsletter and daily digest shall find his important messages buried, and he shall cry out in the wilderness, “Where is the email from HR?”

18:3 He that subscribeth to the daily news digest and readeth it not is a hoarder of information, and his inbox is his prison.

18:4 The unread message that is marked as read without being read is a lie told to oneself, and the lie shall be exposed when the sender asketh for a response.

18:5 He that hath a system of folders and filters is either organized or deluded, for the email that is needed is never in the folder where it should be.

18:6 The search function of the inbox is a god that answereth prayer, yet the prayer must be phrased exactly, and a single wrong word bringeth nothing.

18:7 He that sendeth an email to himself as a reminder is a man with a system, and the system is called ‘desperation’.

18:8 The signature that is twelve lines long, with logos and disclaimers and social links, is an arrogance, and the reader scrolleth past it in annoyance.

18:9 He that is on an email chain with lawyers and replyeth without consulting his own counsel is a fool, and his words shall be used against him.

18:10 The ‘unsubscribe’ link that is clicked but worketh not is a mockery, and the spam continueth as the river floweth to the sea.

18:11 He that checketh his email before sleep and after waking is an addict, and the first step is to delete the app from his phone.

18:12 The out-of-office message that is left active three days after return is a deception, and the sender that receiveth it knoweth thou art lazy.

Chapter 19: Of the Traveler and the Road

19:1 He that travelleth for the company shall eat well and sleep poorly, and his expense report shall be rejected for the sin of a missing receipt. Keep every scrap of paper, for the finance department is without mercy.

19:2 The conference is a place of learning, yet he that attendeth every session is a fool, for his brain shall be as a saturated sponge. Skip thou the afternoon panel, and let thy network grow in the corridor instead.

19:3 He that shareth the ride to the airport with his overseer shall be trapped in a metal box for forty minutes, and there shall be no escape from small talk. Better to pay for thine own cab, and preserve thy peace.

19:4 He that arriveth at the airport two hours early for a domestic flight is either prudent or anxious, and the colleague that saith ‘you didn’t need to come this early’ is a fool, for the one time he is late shall be the time the flight is missed.

19:5 The hotel that is chosen for price alone shall be by the highway, and the sleep shall be broken by trucks, and the expense is not worth the savings.

19:6 He that forgetteth to set his out-of-office before departing shall be haunted by his phone, and the vacation shall be as no vacation.

19:7 The client dinner where wine floweth freely is a test of thy capacity, and he that drinketh too much shall be remembered for the wrong reasons.

19:8 He that is upgraded to first class on the company dime is blessed, but he that boasteth of it in the office is a fool, for the others sat in coach and remember.

19:9 The rental car that is returned without filling the tank is a convenience purchased at a price of usury, and the finance department shall hear of it.

19:10 He that loseth his luggage and weareth the same shirt for three days is not a victim but a man without a carry-on, and the lesson is learned too late.

19:11 The time zone change that is not accounted for in the meeting schedule is a confusion, and the man who dialleth in at the wrong hour is left out.

19:12 He that bringeth gifts for the team from his travels is loved for a day, and the gift that is a keychain is loved for none.

19:13 The jet lag that is claimed as an excuse on Monday after a Thursday return is a stretch, and the colleagues know it, yet they allow it out of mercy.

Chapter 20: Of the Conference Room and Its Keep

20:1 He that booketh the room for the full day and occupieth it not is a thief of time, and his reservation shall be ignored by the righteous.

20:2 When thou enterest a room and findest it occupied though thy name is upon the door, knock thou firmly and display thy calendar. For the squatter respecteth only evidence.

20:3 The conference call that beginneth with “who just joined?” is a plague, and the voice that echoeth back is the voice of a man who knoweth not he is unmuted.

20:4 He that writeth upon the whiteboard in permanent marker is cursed, and the custodian shall shake his head, and the smell of solvent shall be thy penance.

20:5 The conference room that hath no windows is a tomb, and the meeting that is held therein exceedeth its natural length by half.

20:6 He that taketh the chair with wheels when the room is full of fixed chairs is either a child or a genius, and the room divideth upon the question.

20:7 The dial-in number that is wrong in the calendar invite is a trap for the punctual, and they shall dial five times before realizing the error.

20:8 He that eateth his lunch in the conference room and leaveth crumbs upon the table is a sinner, and the next meeting shall begin with the wiping of his sin.

20:9 The projector that worketh not until the IT man is summoned is a trickster, and it worketh the moment he toucheth it, as if ashamed.

20:10 He that is the first to arrive at the meeting and the last to leave is either the host or a man with nowhere else to be.

20:11 The glass-walled conference room is a fishbowl, and those who walk past judge the meeting by the body language of those within.

20:12 He that prophesieth ‘this will only take five minutes’ in the conference room is a false prophet, and the five minutes become fifty.

20:13 The leftover catering that is left in the conference room after the meeting is manna from heaven for the late worker, and he eateth without asking whose meeting it was.

Chapter 21: Of the Printer and the Forgotten

21:1 He that leaveth his document upon the printer and returneth not for it within the hour hath forfeited his privacy, and his sensitive report shall be read by the intern.

21:2 The printing of personal things upon the company machine is a secret known to all, yet he that printeth his resume shall be watched with special care.

21:3 He that printeth in color when black and white would suffice is a waster of toner, and the finance man tracketh the color usage by department.

21:4 The printer that is out of order hath been out of order since the days of thy predecessor, and the sign upon it is yellow with age.

21:5 He that sendeth a large print job during the lunch hour is either inconsiderate or cunning, for the queue is his and his alone.

21:6 The stapler that is borrowed and not returned is a tragedy repeated in every office since the invention of the staple, and there is no remedy.

21:7 He that findeth a paper jam and fixeth it not but walketh away is the same man who leaveth the toilet unflushed, and his character is known.

21:8 The confidential document that is printed and left upon the tray is read by all who pass, for curiosity is the original sin of the office.

21:9 He that useth the scanner for personal photos during work hours is a thief of minutes, yet who among the pure can cast the first stone?

21:10 The fax machine that still existeth in the corner is a monument to the past, and once a year it ringeth, and no one knoweth how to answer.

21:11 He that printeth on both sides of the paper is either environmentally conscious or cheap, and the result is the same.

21:12 The label maker that is available for all to use is used by none but the organizer, and she labelleth everything, even the label maker.

Chapter 22: Of the Calendar and the Fortress

22:1 He that blocketh his calendar with false appointments to preserve his focus is not a liar, but a man at war. Let no man question the recurring “focus time” that appeareth each morning.

22:2 The “hard stop” is the shield of the prudent. Declare it at the meeting’s beginning, and when the hour is reached, depart thou without shame, though the talker be in mid-sentence.

22:3 The meeting that is scheduled for the full hour but requireth only fifteen minutes is a test of character. The wise man endeth it early and giveth the quarter back as a gift.

22:4 He that accepteth a meeting without looking at the time discovereth too late that it spangeth the lunch hour, and his stomach shall curse him.

22:5 The recurring meeting that was set up by a departed colleague and never cancelled is a zombie, and it walketh among the living calendars undead.

22:6 He that is invited to a meeting as an ‘optional’ attendee is either a witness or an afterthought, and the distinction is in the timing of the invite.

22:7 The calendar block that is labeled ‘hold’ and not ‘meeting’ is a lie of omission, and the wise man questioneth what is being held and why.

22:8 He that double-booketh himself and chooseth the more interesting meeting is a man of priorities, and the abandoned meeting knoweth it was never loved.

22:9 The all-day hold that is placed by an assistant for the lord is a territorial claim, and the wise man scheduleth around it as he would a national park.

22:10 He that sendeth a meeting invite without a location is a fool, and the attendees shall wander like sheep without a shepherd.

22:11 The ‘tentative’ acceptance is the coward’s maybe, and the organizer knoweth it means no but counteth it as yes to fill the room.

22:12 He that is late to his own meeting hath lost the respect of all before he speaketh a word, and the remainder is damage control.

22:13 The meeting that is cancelled five minutes before it beginneth hath already stolen the preparation time, and the thief is never caught.

Chapter 23: Of the Headphones and the Sanctuary

23:1 He that weareth large headphones in the open floor hath hung a “do not disturb” sign upon his ears. Yet there is always one who tapeth the shoulder regardless, and he is a plague without cure.

23:2 The man that taketh his calls on speaker in the commons hath no shame, and his conversation about his medical procedure shall be known to all who dwell in the cubicles.

23:3 He that weareth headphones but playeth no music doeth so only to avoid the chatter of the idle, and his wisdom is great.

23:4 He that listeneth to music so loud that it leaketh from his headphones is not listening but performing, and his taste is judged by all within three desks.

23:5 The noise-canceling headphone that cancelleth not the tap upon the shoulder is a false promise, and the wearer is startled as a man awakened from a dream.

23:6 He that removeth his headphones slowly when addressed is a man who was deep in thought, and he that removeth them quickly was only pretending.

23:7 The office that provideth no headphones expecteth silence, yet the open floor plan maketh silence impossible, and the workers are caught in the contradiction.

23:8 He that singeth along to his music, even softly, is a madman in the eyes of his neighbors, for they hear only half the song.

23:9 The Bluetooth headphone that connecteth to the wrong device and blasteth thy podcast to the meeting is a betrayal, and thou art exposed.

23:10 He that weareth headphones during a one-on-one conversation is either rude or hard of hearing, and it is unkind to assume the latter.

23:11 The coworker who tap-danceth his fingers upon the desk provideth a rhythm that is unwanted, and the headphone is the only wall against his percussion.

23:12 He that taketh a call without headphones and holdeth the phone to his ear like a relic is either old or his Bluetooth hath died, and the office pitieth him.

23:13 The podcast about true crime that is listened to at the desk maketh the spreadsheet sinister, and every coworker a suspect.

Chapter 24: Of the Family and the Lie

24:1 When the company saith “we are like family here,” understand that they mean the dysfunctional kind, and expect not loyalty where there is only accounting.

24:2 The free snacks and the ping-pong table are given to keep thee at thy desk past the fifth hour. Rejoice in the pretzels, but know their price.

24:3 He that stayeth late because the company is ‘like family’ is an orphan who knoweth not what family meaneth, for even family let thee go home.

24:4 The stock option that is offered in lieu of a raise is a lottery ticket with worse odds, and the wise man preferreth the cash.

24:5 He that believeth the ‘unlimited PTO’ policy is truly unlimited shall find that the unspoken limit is the disapproval of his peers.

24:6 The company swag that is forced upon the workers— the backpack, the water bottle, the hoodie— is advertising for which they pay with their dignity.

24:7 He that is told ‘we couldn’t do this without you’ but is paid as if they could is being flattered to death, and the flattery is cheaper than a raise.

24:8 The culture fit that is demanded in the interview is a screening for those who will not question, and the questioner is screened out.

24:9 He that attendeth the ‘optional’ Saturday work session is not optional but expected, and the word is a lie told to make the expectation palatable.

24:10 The mission statement that is recited at the all-hands is written in the passive voice so that no one may be blamed when it faileth.

24:11 He that is ‘passionate about the work’ and sayeth so in the interview is either a liar or a fool, for passion is for lovers, and this is employment.

24:12 The founder’s story that is told at onboarding is a mythologizing of luck, and the listener is expected to genuflect before the narrative.

Chapter 25: Of the Shared Screen

25:1 He that shareth his whole screen and not the window alone betrayeth his browser tabs, and his search history shall be read by the multitude.

25:2 The fool asketh “can you see my screen?” eight times before he beginneth, and the silence of the waiting is a torment to all.

25:3 He that receiveth a private message while presenting and readeth it aloud is a fool, and his Slack conversation shall be known to the client.

25:4 He that shareth his screen and forgetteth to close the tab of his job search is a man who hath preached his own funeral.

25:5 The presenter that readeth every word upon the slide is either contemptuous of his audience or terrified of silence, and neither is fit to lead.

25:6 He that saith ‘next slide please’ to a human when he hath a clicker in his hand is a man who wasteth the breath of another.

25:7 The screen that freezeth during the demo is a test of character, and the presenter who sweareth not is a saint among men.

25:8 He that presenteth data without a conclusion is a man who bringeth ingredients to a feast but cooketh nothing, and the audience departeth hungry.

25:9 The laser pointer that is shone directly into the eyes of the audience is a weapon, and the presenter who wieldeth it carelessly is blind to his own violence.

25:10 He that is asked to share his screen and then minimizeth windows frantically is a man with something to hide, and all can see his panic.

25:11 The slide deck that is forty slides long for a fifteen-minute slot is a delusion, and the wise man keepeth a hidden deck of five for the executive summary.

25:12 He that useth animations and transitions in his slides is either under thirty or overcompensating, and the audience is nauseated either way.

25:13 The ‘any questions?’ that is asked with a tone implying there should be none is not an invitation but a dismissal, and the wise man holdeth his tongue.

Chapter 26: Of the Sick and the Martyrs

26:1 He that cometh to work with the plague, saying “I just couldn’t stay home,” is not virtuous but a biohazard, and his cubicle-mate shall curse him unto the seventh generation.

26:2 Beware the cougher who saith “it’s just allergies,” for his mucus shall betray him, and the hand sanitizer shall run dry because of him.

26:3 The wise man taketh his sick day without guilt, for the work abideth, but the dead raise no Jira tickets.

26:4 He that useth all his sick days for mental health and calleth them ‘stomach issues’ is not a liar but a man in a system that demandeth lies.

26:5 The hand sanitizer that is placed at every doorway is a talisman, and the touching of it is a ritual that comforteth more than it cleanseth.

26:6 He that cougheth into his elbow but then useth that same elbow to open the door hath performed the gesture without the meaning.

26:7 The wellness program that is offered by the company is a discount at a gym thou wilt not join, and the offering is made to check a box.

26:8 He that returneth too soon from illness is not dedicated but infectious, and his dedication shall be remembered when the whole floor is sick.

26:9 The fluorescent light that flickereth above thy desk is either a minor inconvenience or a trigger for migraines, and the facilities request shall be ignored.

26:10 He that is the first to fall ill in the season is blamed for bringing it in, though the vector was the doorknob and not his person.

26:11 The standing desk that is raised and lowered a dozen times a day is exercised more than its owner.

26:12 He that bringeth a blanket to the office because the air conditioning is set to arctic is either prepared or defeated, and the blanket is his flag.

26:13 The eye strain that is claimed by every worker is real, and the blue light glasses are either medicine or placebo, but the wearer careth not which.

Chapter 27: Of the All-Hands and the Theater

27:1 The question that is asked at the all-hands in the final minutes is not a question but a performance, and the asker seeketh only to be known by the lord.

27:2 He that uttereth not when the lord saith “does anyone have any questions?” is prudent, for the silence shall pass, and the meeting shall end, and he shall be free.

27:3 The annual kickoff is a spectacle of vision and values, and the slides thereof are the same as last year, but the colors are different.

27:4 He that asketh a question at the all-hands that is actually a complaint in disguise is not clever but tedious, and the lord seeth through the veil.

27:5 The keynote speaker that is flown in at great expense to speak of ‘disruption’ is himself disrupted by a faulty microphone, and the irony is lost on none.

27:6 He that liveth-tweeteth the all-hands is either engaged or seeking attention, and the quality of his tweets betrayeth which.

27:7 The Q&A session that is dominated by one man with many questions is a hijacking, and the moderator that alloweth it is his accomplice.

27:8 He that is asked to submit questions in advance is being managed, and the spontaneous question that is then asked is ignored as not on the list.

27:9 The announcement of a ‘pivot’ at the all-hands is a euphemism for ‘we were wrong,’ and the workers must pretend it is strategy.

27:10 He that weareth the company logo shirt to the all-hands is either a true believer or a new hire, and time shall tell.

27:11 The virtual all-hands where the chat is disabled is not a conversation but a broadcast, and the workers know they are audience, not participants.

27:12 He that winneth the raffle at the all-hands and is called to the stage is embarrassed more than honored, and the prize is forgotten in the walk.

27:13 The all-hands that runneth over its allotted time is a theft from the afternoon, and the lord who speaketh longest careth not for thy schedule.

Chapter 28: Of the Corridor and the Chair

28:1 He that waylayeth another in the hallway saying “real quick” hath taken the whole afternoon, and there shall be no escape save through feigned phone calls.

28:2 The standing desk is the altar of the zealous, yet he that standeth all day shall develop varicose veins and return to his chair within the year.

28:3 He that bringeth his own monitor and keyboard and trackball from home is either a king or a madman, and none can tell the difference.

28:4 The ergonomic chair is given to the back-pained, yet he that feigneth lumbar distress to obtain the Aeron is a liar, and the LORD seeth his posture.

28:5 He that jiggleth his leg incessantly beneath the desk is either nervous or exercising, and the desk-mate who feeleth the vibration is the true victim.

28:6 The monitor arm that is adjusted to the perfect height and then never moved again is a monument to a single afternoon of ergonomic ambition.

28:7 He that eateth at his desk and leaveth the wrapper in the bin is considerate; he that leaveth it on the desk is a slob, and the difference is inches.

28:8 The wrist rest that is purchased for comfort and then used as a coaster is a fall from grace, and the stain is its testament.

28:9 He that is known by the volume of his typing is either a writer or angry, and the mechanical keyboard betrayeth his mood.

28:10 The drawer that is filled with takeout napkins and sauce packets is not a drawer but a survival kit for the unprepared.

28:11 He that useth a footrest and a lumbar pillow and a document holder is either comfortable or a hypochondriac, and the office divideth.

28:12 The white noise machine that is brought from home is a declaration of war upon the talkers, and they resent it as they would a physical wall.

28:13 He that is asked to ‘jump on a quick call’ and bringeth no headset is a man who maketh the speakerphone his weapon, and the open floor his victim.

28:14 The cable management that is neat on Monday and tangled by Friday is a picture of entropy, and no zip tie can hold back the chaos forever.

Chapter 29: Of the End of All Things

29:1 The reorganization is coming, and no man knoweth the hour. Be thou faithful over a few things, and keep thy resume polished, and thy network tended, and thy skills sharpened, that when the day cometh thou shalt not be found naked.

29:2 Remember thy creator in the days of thy onboarding, before the bad days come, and the years draw nigh when thou shalt say, “I have no pleasure in them.” For the pension is a myth told to the young, and the gold watch is brass plated.

29:3 In all thy toil, keep perspective. The report that seemeth unto thee a matter of life and death shall be forgotten in a quarter. The email that keepeth thee awake at night shall be buried under three hundred more. This too shall pass, and there shall be new Jira tickets in the morning.

29:4 Here endeth the Proverbs of Toil. Go now in peace, and may thy meetings be short, thy coffee be strong, and thy Friday be casual.

29:5 The mentor that is assigned by the company is a coin toss, and he that receiveth a bad one learneth what not to do, which is also learning.

29:6 He that clingeth to a dying technology because he is master of it clingeth to a sinking ship, and the sea shall take him.

29:7 The annual review that saith ‘exceeds expectations’ but giveth a raise of two percent is a lie written in the language of praise.

29:8 He that hath not updated his resume in five years shall find himself writing it in haste and shame when the reorganization cometh suddenly.

29:9 The skill that is listed on every job posting but used in none is the ‘agile’ certification, and the wise man smirketh but obtaineth it.

29:10 He that refuseth to train his replacement traineth no one, yet when he is promoted, there is none to fill his seat, and he is trapped.

29:11 The company values that are framed upon the wall are written by a committee and believed by none who have worked there more than a month.

29:12 He that is known as ‘the only one who knows how that works’ is not secure but imprisoned, and he shall never be permitted to transfer.

29:13 The retirement party that is planned by the company is attended by those who are ordered to attend, and the retiree knoweth the difference.

29:14 He that looketh back upon his career and seeth only emails and meetings hath built a life of sand, and the tide cometh for all.